As some of you know, I tore up my past last week. I literally took all of the negative scribbles I had ever wrote and ripped them into a zillion tiny pieces and threw them in the garbage and every cell of my body felt fantastic – except one – my ego.
It appears my ego liked my past – in fact, my ego fed off the past, licked it’s lips lovingly over every insecurity, every assumption, every expectation… literally gorged itself on the little voice in my head that said I didn’t quite deserve this life I have and I certainly didn’t deserve to live a life any better.
For dessert my ego really enjoyed when I got cocky, when I thought I was more important than I am, when I really started to care if people thought I was important and when I cared too much about that I would start to question my worth…my ego loved the crushing blow – loved the anticipation of the insecure set-backs this would create.
So, after reading all of my past ridiculous insecurities – my ego is experiencing it’s final death rattle and it’s really causing quite a stir…. I won’t describe exactly what my ego has been trying to do to my soul… only that last week was a tough one – a gut check one – a time of reflection and restructuring.
I used to think that “losing your ego” was about thinking you weren’t spectacular but it’s about KNOWING you’re spectacular and not needing outside validation, it’s about LOVING yourself despite it all. It’s about knowing there is so much more to life than “Me, me, me”… It’s about letting yourself be yourself and KNOWING that once you’re there the possibilities are endless.
So – as I acknowledge the death rattle I hear my Ego quietly crawl back in the corner and sigh – hopefully it will just die once and for all… You’ll all be invited to the Wake for sure… no funeral here – let’s have a kick-ass party to celebrate that after nearly 38 years I will stop giving a flying fig!
After the ego has perished,
the true self rises from its dust
like desert flowers
after spring showers
have swept across arid plains.
(The Tao is Tao, 21)