It’s Okay To Be Sad

A couple days after clinic and I am exhausted… to the bone tired and worn out…  We had an ultrasound first thing in the morning so decided to stay in a hotel the night before as poor Rowan had to fast for the ultrasound and I had no desire to be on the highway with a starving little “pound puppy”.

It was a good clinic day.  Rowan exceeded my expectations when it came to the ultrasound – I think she even surprised the technician – who commented several times at how wonderfully she was laying still.  I take comfort in the fact that I know they got some really good pictures to give us some insight as to Rowan’s current state of health.  Her blood work (which is where the elevated liver enzyme first presented itself) was back to normal. And she has grown 2 cms and gained a pound in one month!  Great day!

 Here’s what I am realizing about clinic visits – until we find a cure or a really amazing management medication – we are never going to go to the hospital and all of this will become a memory and that’s hard.  It’s so hard to have, in this case, two whole days be all about CF- it takes a lot of physical and emotional energy and on the morning after I really have to resist letting that little piece of my soul – that will always be a little tattered – fill up with sadness.

 I ALWAYS feel sad for a day or 2 after clinic – maybe I always will.  The one thing that I love as this process becomes more a part of our lives is that I let myself be sad…. it’s okay to wish that Cystic Fibrosis wasn’t a part of our lives, it’s okay to be sad that this has happened to us – it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate all of the spectacular things in our lives, it’s not meant to negate my realization that our circumstances could be far worse… I tried the whole “look on the bright side” for 2 1/2 years and all it got me was a broken heart and head that wouldn’t dream anymore. 

 

So today, I’ll be sad and tomorrow I will kick ass again!!

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